This Mother’s Day, Soothe your Guilt with Self-care

If I hadn’t written this article, I wouldn’t even have noticed that 14th May was Mother’s Day! In my effort to balance work, baby care of my five year old, housework, and me time, each day has been reduced to a set of tasks that need to be done. Weekdays and weekends merge into each other, punctuated by reprieves of TV time, independent play and early bedtimes.

I wrote earlier that motherhood is the toughest job I have ever done. My mom-switch is on all day, every day. Yet I feel that I am not doing enough.  

For Mother’s Day this year, I spoke to Meghna Yadav about guilt, the self-blame that eats at every mother. Meghna is a Child Psychologist and heads Training & Development at KLAY Centre for Child Development & Care. As part of her work on parent partnerships, Meghna has also spoken to hundreds of mothers. Our conversation is reproduced here with some mild edits for clarity.

Q1. Tell us about mother’s guilt. What makes it different from guilt that anyone else might feel?

Meghna: As an emotion, guilt has many sides. In its positive form, guilt is checking in on oneself. It’s when you wonder: ‘Should I have reacted differently? How am I feeling about this?’ But there is a clear line between checking in and self-blame, and crossing this line reveals the negative side of this emotion.

Mothers tend to blame themselves more than others. This is the point where the self check-in becomes judgemental, self-critical and overall, detrimental to their health.

Q2. I am convinced that there is a secret formula for doing everything – managing the home and the family, being there for the children and doing my best at work.

In your experience, how do some mothers do it so well while I barely get through a day?

Meghna: Whether we like it or not, we are all affected by what is going on around us. Social media in particular has a disproportionate impact. At some level we know that what we see on these platforms is not reality. But it still seeps into us and influences our views on what we think is good or ideal.

In my opinion this balance that everyone is striving for is a personal answer. We can find it within ourselves because it is defined by what is important for us. For example, I am not on social media at all. It is a choice I have made. At the same time I know mothers who are active on social media but not swayed by it. They are able to identify what works for them, irrespective of what others around them think. We need to ask ourselves what we can and cannot do, what works and doesn’t work for us.

Q3. Indra Nooyi famously said, ‘Women can’t have it all.’ Anne-Marie Slaughter’s article in the Atlantic reiterates why this is impossible, plain and simple. Hearing this should have been a relief. But I am disappointed, because it means that I can’t have all that I want.

Is ‘having it all’ really a myth?

Meghna: In my humble opinion having it all is easier said than done. If we pare down our lives to the absolute necessities, we actually need very little. Take our wardrobes, for instance. All we need are a few clothes to cover our bodies. But our wardrobes are full of clothes! In the same way, we want the best for our children – the best school, the best grades, the best vacations, the best opportunities, the best food. Then we want the same for ourselves too – the best life, best job and so on. There is actually no end to this list.

Working mothers face such dilemmas all the time – should I attend the work meeting or my child’s parent-teacher session? Should I travel for work when my child has exams? It is not possible to be in both places at the same time. It is a difficult choice, but it has to be made. We can only be in one place, doing one thing, at one time. It’s okay to miss things. We need to define our own priorities and pick our battles. We should ideally not get influenced by what others around us are doing or fear their judgment. I have found that mothers who decide their own priorities, based on what works for them and what is important to them are able to manage the guilt better

Q4. On some days, I don’t like being a mother. I regret saddling myself with the lifelong responsibility of a child, and wish I could just run away from everything, or rewind time so that I don’t get myself into this situation.

Am I a bad mother?

Meghna: I think that in the nurture part of the nature vs nurture debate, there are misconceptions of what shapes a child’s personality and future prospects. Parents feel that they need to use every minute they have with the child productively, by teaching them something or imparting some knowledge. When all the child really needs is a parent to be present with them, enjoying the moment as it passes.

The fact is that how a child turns out has more to do with their personality and the paths they choose than everything that the parents do for them. If we look at ourselves as a medium through which the child experiences the world, we will go easier on our expectations from ourselves and learn to enjoy our time with them, instead of rushing to make the most of every minute.

The first thing I tell every expectant mother I meet is to not approach parenting like a lifelong project, but as a daily experience that will have its ups and downs. I also explain that it is natural to get very attached to the child. One way to look at it is that a child doesn’t come from the mother, but through her. The moment the umbilical cord is cut, the child is an independent entity. Every child has their own DNA, their own personality and their own destiny.What the mother does is not a direct reflection on the child, and what the child does is not always a reflection on the mother.

Q5. So what you’re saying is that any child’s success or failure cannot be solely attributed to their parents. For example, we can’t say that the credit for Indra Nooyi’s success lies entirely with her mother, right ?

The first thing I tell every expectant mother is it is perfectly normal for young mothers to feel stretched and completely exhausted. On the other hand, I also know older mothers who are dealing with empty nest syndrome, because their children have grown up and left (as they should). I think it’s important for young mothers to have a wider social circle that doesn’t include just other young mothers. Talking to mothers with older children can lend perspective to the whole spectrum of motherhood. Involved and intensive parenting is a matter of 15 or 16 years, after which the child will fly out into the world to do their own thing.

Q6. What’s the one message you would like to share with all the mothers out there, for this Mother’s Day?

Meghna: I want to tell every mother that self care is not selfishness. Taking a day off on Mother’s day or any other day, to go to the spa, or to hang out with friends is not bad! Investing in your intellectual pursuits or career growth does not make you selfish. This is part of your journey as a woman, in addition to being a mother.

To take care of your children, you need to take care of yourself first.Do what makes you happy.

I also want to repeat what I said earlier, about the child being an independent body and soul, outside of you. Your interests and desires are independent of your child, just like your child’s interests and desires need not be closely connected with you.

Most of all, look after yourself and be kind to yourself. Try to manage your expectations and tell yourself that motherhood is an experience, not a graded project.
Motherhood, is an emotion, one of unconditional love, care and nurture. So, this Mother’s day KLAY wishes all moms, dads, teachers and caregivers who are all moms in their own way a Very Happy Mother’s day!!!

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